From Fear of Rejection to Love and Communication

In the early stages of my life, I struggled with an intense fear of rejection. As a young child, I almost never spoke. My aunties would ask me, "Are you mute, child? You don't speak?" And I didn’t. This silence was driven by a strong sense of anxiety, fearing that I would choose the wrong words—that I would say something incorrect and be shunned for it. I was afraid that if I let myself be vulnerable, I would be met with dismissal,

pushing me into an all-consuming depression. It wasn't just a fear of rejection but also a fear of failure and all the emotions that accompany it. The irony of my fear was that I was already failing by not engaging in anything at all. By not putting my heart into anything, by not meeting new people, and by not participating, I was actively failing. I was so afraid of being rejected by the world that I had rejected myself. I had to face the cold, hard truth: I had isolated myself. I felt alone everywhere I went because I didn’t appreciate the relationships or hobbies I had. I had reached a state of anhedonia: an inability to experience pleasure. Something had to change.

In the midst of 2020, my aunt sent me a flyer for a local government committee in our county. I reluctantly applied, figuring I wouldn’t get in anyway. But I did. I was a new member, so I thought I wouldn’t have to do much speaking—until it happened. The chair of the committee was forced to step down, and my higher-ups, despite my lack of engagement, thought I would fit the role. I could never do something like this—lead a meeting for my committee, share important updates, or speak to potentially hundreds of people at a time. But luckily for me, my greatest weakness is my inability to say no. So, I agreed. I was now the chair of a committee specializing in anti-violence initiatives within the city of Portland.

In this role, I was forced to find my voice, to form my own opinions, and to use critical thought and reasoning to communicate with the people around me. I learned how to work with a team and how to be a passionate, empathetic, and strategic leader. One of the biggest forums I hosted was for the Juvenile Detention Alternatives Initiative, where I hosted a dialogue between the parents of youth in the community and youth Juvenile Detention centers(Juvie). Multnomah County was the place where I found my voice. And from this point on I never stopped using it.

I realize that COVID-19 impacted many of us deeply, causing many to develop a sense of social anxiety related to the lack of social interaction. But I hope that others don't waste their lives the way I wasted many years of mine—wasted on unfounded shame, wasted on an arbitrary fear of being embarrassed or rejected. These feelings are authentic, and I feel them too. But life is too short to abstain from connecting with one another and trying new things. Your voice is valuable. Your ideas are original. I guarantee that you know more than you think you do. 

In my freshman year of college, I received an email advertising the Love and Communication research lab. Once again I doubted I would get in. With my lack of experience, seniority, and general lack of hard skills, I thought there was no way someone like me would get in. The seeds of doubt I had previously planted were making themselves very apparent. But, thankfully I  did not let this overcome me. I put my best foot forward and applied to the lab. I was slowly beginning to realize through the nurturing and watering of my mentors, I was growing through this process and that this fear of being rejected was not being validated. I may not have possessed each of the hard skills I thought were necessary to walk through the door but, in being in the lab, I have gained them along the way.

No one is a good communicator, or friend, or research assistant etc. until they start communicating, and befriending, and research assisting. So the trick is not to always wait around for opportunities to showcase your exact and existing skills; instead, consider signing up for things that represent your ideal self. Do the things that are gonna get you where you want to be. When we put ourselves out there, there is always a chance we may be rejected and that we may fail. But even the small chance of receiving a life-changing opportunity is worth it. Being is doing, and the potential for joy, the potential to meet some of the most magnificent people I’ve ever met, and to surround myself with them—was worth all the risks involved.