Understanding What You Hate: Learning From Those you Disagree With

It can be easy to grow frustrated with those that have a different opinion than you. This is particularly true for opinions we see on social media – the ability to have one’s opinions consistently reinforced creates a confidence that what you think is not only logically sound, but morally justified. The opposing opinion then, which was at first only illogical, becomes morally unconscionable. 

In some cases, this moral reaction can be understandable: If someone else has based their hateful beliefs on objectively incorrect information or they are particularly aggressive in expressing their views, it becomes difficult to see their perspective as anything other than misguided, immoral, or even evil. 

But, generally speaking, having patience with those you disagree with brings more personal value than cost. Whereas the spiral of moral outrage can consume us and lead us to end relationships that bring us benefits, developing empathic understanding for others protects both ourselves and our relationships. Starting fights, avoiding environments, and ending relationships over disagreements is a bit like throwing the baby out with the bathwater – it’s an easy solution to our anger, but it’s also an easy way to rid ourselves of the relational and transactional benefits of close relationships. 

This ability to understand is also a requisite to adeptly function in societies with polarized views such as ours. It’s important to remember that we are in one of the most polarized eras in American history – both major political parties consistently receive nearly half of the vote. The magnitude of people that hold different opinions virtually guarantees you will encounter people--whether at work or at Thanksgiving dinner--with opposing views, so you can’t ignore or avoid those that we disagree with forever. Learning to understand will help make engaging in these environments easier, as you come to understand where the other person is coming from (even if you still disagree with them). With that said, finding the patience or stomach to hear out those you disagree with can be a tall order. Here are some tips that have helped me build patience and resilience in listening to those you disagree with. 

One tip is to ask the person you disagree with about their upbringing. If they are comfortable sharing, you can get a better understanding of why your opinions differ so greatly. You might find that this person was in the past rewarded for their opinions (or punished for not having such an opinion). Put yourself in their shoes: Would you agree with your opinion if you grew up in the same environment as they did? You might find that the context behind their opinion makes it easier to humanize those on the other side of the argument.

Another tip is to stop yourself from trying to convince the other person that their opinion is wrong and yours is correct. While it’s tempting to attempt to change their mind, stopping yourself from doing this can help lower their guard and bring about civil communication, which is a positive outcome in and of itself. Remember that, for better or worse, you are a representative for your perspective. You probably won’t change someone’s opinion through ridicule, but you will make yourself and others like you seem condescending. Perhaps we could settle for giving others a positive impression of you and people who share your ideas.

Ultimately, if someone is willing to have a civil conversation about their disagreements with you, give them a couple minutes to hear out what made them form their opinion. That’s because it’s about more than just a disagreement. It’s about building a more empathetic and grounded community through communication. You may find a human connection that is more important than disagreement. You may even find a friend.