Passivity: Address Me

For all of high school, I hadn’t participated in sports or clubs, and I worked at jobs with high turnover and low commitment. Applying to the L&C Lab, I was ending a strong 4-year streak of being uninvolved in things, and there were clear growing pains in my transition to being involved. 

Discomfort buzzed quietly in the back of my head when we did our article presentations, and buzzed a little louder when I couldn’t think of any relevant questions or constructive feedback. It blanketed my brain when it came time to do project updates. The end of the year came around, and my discomfort seemed to evolve into an ever-present anxiety that I wasn’t measuring up.

I told myself I was just figuring it out and, for a while, that explanation satisfied me. I’d never done any academic research and hadn’t even completed half of my psych fundamentals– I was going to feel out of place for a minute. Time would continue to shrink down my imposter syndrome and maybe with a lot of time, eventually it would just cease to exist, right? 

Well, no. Whatever my discomfort had turned into was very resistant to my “let time do the heavy lifting” mentality. And it wasn’t like I wasn’t putting in the work. I was obsessive; I was pulling back-to-back all-nighters; I sat on submissions until they were perfect.

If you immediately peeped what's wrong with that kind of work ethic, brownie points to you! I was avoiding the elephant in the room: I had a crippling case of imposter syndrome featuring a heaping scoop of non-accountability. The shame made me avoidant, but I was still determined to meet any one of those expectations I set, which, of course, only made me stumble further and further away from actually accomplishing anything. My fear of not belonging was causing my own shortcomings. 

Let’s recap: I was used to jumping commitments; I was getting used to being uncomfortable, anxious and unfulfilled all the time; and my work habits were not conducive to the things I enjoyed doing (to be fair, it wasn’t conducive for doing anything). Why shouldn’t I go back to being uninvolved? I was perfectly content being unchallenged.

I realized that at the core of all of that was the truth that complacency would achieve nothing. Time heals all, it’s true, but you waste months or even years waiting for lessons to happen upon you. At the end of the day, you’re responsible for your well-being and flourishing, and we should strive towards that! Imposter syndrome can and must be helped because it’s certainly not going away on its own.

For me, it meant coming clean to my peers and my PI about how little I believed I was a good fit for the lab. It also meant telling my professors that my performance in their classes was not because I was incapable or disinterested, but because I was carrying years of baggage into their classes with me. 

If you’re thinking it’s easier said than done, believe me, I know. It is so hard to hold yourself accountable, especially if you’re sleeping for more than half the day. But sharing your struggles with others helps them help you. For instance, I asked my friends to hound me if I was starting to miss class or not submit work. It’s all at your discretion, but I knew a lot of this journey was going to be uncomfortable, so I really leaned into that and let my friends call me out, of which we lovingly engaged in a “safe but judgmental” town hall. 

The L&C Lab did something similar with me. They said, “You’ll always have a home in this lab, but if you want to stay on a project, you cannot miss a single meeting - at least for the first few weeks.” And you know what - this was the first semester where I didn’t miss the first meeting!

In short, I’m now an academic weapon! Just kidding lol, but I am making progress towards it every day. Around this time, two years ago, I thought I would never write a legible literature review and now, I’ve made two beautiful posters on research I conducted myself– which I got to present at the Western Psychological Association conferences in 2025 and 2026! I no longer walk into my labs borderline-shaking from anxiety. I no longer feel a need to compare myself to my peers to feel like I belong. Most notably, I don’t feel a need to explain my being anywhere to anyone, and this is all because I made a very uncomfortable choice some years ago to be truthful to myself and to people I cared about.

If you’ve been feeling directionless, maybe ask yourself if you’ve moved at all. As a person who is deathly afraid of disappointment (author’s note: I can’t even listen to new music because what if it’s bad and I cease to exist…), please please take my word for it: even stepping in the dark is better than standing completely still. And if it doesn’t go well, saying you tried is better than saying you didn’t do anything at all.